I drive a “lethal killer machine”, apparently
I had to drive in to Aberdeen this morning to see the dentist but with the Defender’s fuel gauge a little on the low side I diverted into Inverurie to buy £25 of diesel.
As I was standing next to the Land Rover, mind in neutral apart from watching the gauge on the pump, I vaguely noticed a new-ish, five-door hatch pull in behind me.
Next thing I knew, a shrill, snivelling voice had interrupted my reverie.
“People like you should be taken off the road with your lethal killer machines. If I had my way, all ****** 4×4s would be banned.”
Eh, say what?
I turned my head to find a short, slightly dumpy woman of a certain age glaring at me from beside her hatchback. She had short hair, an ex-army camouflage jacket over a chunky sweater and jeans, and was wearing Doc Martins.
In other words, militant green vegan animal lover and probably a social worker to boot. I know, I’m jumping to conclusions but you had to be there.
The harangue continued.
“Your four-wheel drive is ****** lethal. You have no need for it. Powering around the roads, killing the wildlife and cats.
“You’re probably one of those ****** farmers who exploit animals, too. Look at it guzzling fuel. Do you know what it’s doing to the planet?”
And on and on. The gauge on the fuel pump finally showed £25, so I hung the hose up, put the fuel cap back on and then, unable to resist I’m afraid to say, finally let rip.
“Sounds like you’re desperate for a good shag, love.”
I know, completely inappropriate, but I’d had enough of the voice, the language and sentiments.
To my surprise, a huge outbreak of laughter came from the other side of the pumps where I now realised a builder’s van had been sitting with two blokes inside while another filled the van with diesel.
All three were shaking with laughter, while Queen Green was turning red with apoplexy.
Time to pay and be gone!
But seriously, I absolutely loathe this sort of uninformed and uninvited harangues from self-righteous obsessives of whatever creed.
I may be driving a dirty, slow and old Land Rover but I suspect it’s probably far more green, driven far more carefully and driven far more thoughtfully than her 18-month old hatchback.
The Landie is 17 years old so, based on a two-year replacement pattern, that means 8.5 replacement cars have not needed to be manufactured.
It is used for essential journeys and usually these are timed so they can double or triple up.
The Landie does the job of many vehicles. It’s family transport; a pig, sheep and poultry transporter; a stump puller; a harrow puller; a pig hut puller; a hauler of fence posts, boulders, ironmongery, bulk animal feed, muck and compost; it’s used as mobile scaffolding; and more.
It’s not serviced and repaired in Aberdeen. Instead, I either do the work myself or get it done by the local agricultural mechanic, which saves on fuel and boosts the local village economy.
The Landie has an electric fan (fitted by myself) to help the engine run more efficiently and use less fuel; the suspension was uprated last year so works at maximum efficiency; the tyres are replaced regularly and inflated to the correct pressures; and it’s almost invariably driven in what is best described as a leisurely manner.
All that contributes to it having much less of a carbon footprint than a new hatchback driven hard and fast by a grumpy… well, I’ve already hung myself but I won’t take it further!
As for being a lethal killer machine, yes, three pigeons did fly head first into the grille last year but I suspect they would have done the same even if I’d been driving a hatchback or a people-carrier.
I drive slower than the urban speed limit around the village because of the poor sight lines, children playing and the number of chatting old people who have a tendency to just walk out on the road. And I’m certainly a lot slower than most of the drivers in their non-4×4 cars and vans.
So no, I’m not going to give up my 4×4 and I’ll certainly fight to stop people like her at the pumps from pressing politicians to have them banned.
Now, can I please go back and play with my Landie in the mud?
I’ve often enjoyed your posts, and I admire your dedication to change your lifestyle to be more friendly to the planet. Hell, you sold a car, got a bike with a child-friendly canopy so you could pedal the kids to school! So I was amused by the tirade to which you were victim. In my opinion, your response was great!
Keep up the good work (you’re doing plenty), and don’t let morons get you down.
Please take it easy on the “morons”, as one of your guests so eloquently put it. They’re just at the rope’s end and don’t know how to express their rage. Way to go for keeping the ideal preasure in your tires and keeping it under 60. You’re doing a great job. We’re all really proud of you. Keep up the good work. We know how difficult it must be for you and you “Landie”.
ok, this may be (probably is) completely wrong, but i have an image of Captain Jack Sparrow (from Pirates of the Carribbean) standing there filling the landrover with diesel now…. (its the “love” part that did that..)
I had a good laugh when I read Kethry’s comments as I didn’t think anyone would get the reference.
I spent what seemed like an age thinking what to say to Queen Green and how to say it.
In the end smooth, moderately loud and not at all harsh seemed right – and yes, Jack Sparrow did spring to mind. Hard London bigmouth would not have felt right.
I doffs me hat to you!
1Longranger, the problem with unfocused and uninformed rage is that is settles on the wrong targets at the wrong time in the wrong place.
There’s a vast difference between a swanky urban dweller driving the latest V8, V10 or V12 4×4 in an indifferent, uncaring and wasteful manner, and a dirty old rapscallion like me driving about in an ageing but well maintained Defender that’s driven sensibly and used for a multitude of tasks.
The Deep Greens, Hippy Greens, Vegan Greens and Spiritual Greens all have to realise that alienating people like me, who are green for practical and pragmatic reasons, is not the way to go.
They also need to look long and hard at themselves before going on the warpath. Do they really need a new car? Could they be walking or cycling? How well do they maintain their car and how often do they check it? How far does the organic chocolate bar they’re scoffing at the wheel travel to get to them?
I do try to pass over some of these hypocrisies most of the time, but going easy ends when they have a pop at me.
oh and missed out the bottle of rum part.. definetly.. standing there filling the landrover with a pirate hat on, swigging from a bottle of rum.
maybe you should rename yourself as a pirate of the eco-seas? *grins*
Funnily enough, I used to have a pony tail, wear a bandanna and had gold rings in my ears. Oh, and wear lace-up leather trousers…
Make of that what you will!
LOL – i don’t think the leather trousers – laceup or otherwise – go very well with the kind of weather you get up there in Scotland.. pity really. i rather like em!! okay.. your image is now firmly fixed in my head, and i hope i never meet the real captain jack.. i’d be terribly disappointed if i found out he doesn’t drive a beaten up old landrover!
Sounds like you stopped her in her tracks good and proper, well done
Perfect delivery, I thought I had a speech ready for the day when I am on the receiving end of the anti 4×4 rant, having that post I think need to redraft.
I did run over a cat in our 4×4, but even the cats owner said it was the cats fault, not mine. (and for the record I was upset about it.)